Just a quick post on a news post I found on Fark, the particular item being available here. You might want to read it before going on... it's so short that I'd feel silly describing or paraphrasing it.
Here's what caught my attention:
1. The gunman started with the phrase: "This is a stick-up."
That's awesome. While most bank robbers are watching Dead Presidents and listening to DMX, this guy is clearly a Sinatra fan who's been watching Humphrey Bogart movies. I hope they put him in a striped pajama suit when he recovered from his head wound.
2. The gunman shot himself in the head.
Oops. "Just my luck, out of two wild shots, one hits me in the head. It's like a ballet dancer, and the one time she trips, she lands in a big pile of dog crap."
"Well, you should still be thankful, dude. Most people who shoot themselves in the head... you know... DIE."
3. They slugged him four or five times with a jar of apple sauce.
This suggests that despite repeated smashings in the head, enough to knock a 190-pound man unconscious, the jar didn't even break. It's reassuring that they're making them so tough these days.
Update: It's been brought to my attention that Motts Apple Sauce generally comes in a plastic container, rather than a glass one, for safety reasons. Lethal safety reasons.